Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
