I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
