please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
