she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
