she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
