I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
