he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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