I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
I take back everything I said about communal showers
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
