i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Gay?
German.
Pity.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
