i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
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