Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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