You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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