Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
she smelled like a LAN party
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
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