dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
