Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
