Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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