I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize