You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
