I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
