she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
