My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
