Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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