In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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