My sheets look like a crime scene.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
