Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
