I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize