i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
