If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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