I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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