I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
