Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
But break dance skills will only take you so far
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
