I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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