If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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