It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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