brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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