worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize