she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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