Umm I'm too high to move.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
