when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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