So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
she smelled like a LAN party
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
