I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Randomize
