A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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