Swine flu. Run for my life!
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
