I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
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