dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
