someone threw a dead crab at me
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Randomize
