Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
