Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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