Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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