Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
