Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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