he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
