have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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