he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
