So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
