i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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