Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
