I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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